It keeps my mind healthy to let some things go that have to do with IF every once in a while. But I am still here and I am happy for all of you whom are expecting, you have walked the road and have been lucky enough to walk away with a prize.

I’ve been watching more movies than in the past and I guess it has been my “lucky” week. I am saying lucky in a very sarcastic way. All the movies I keep running into are about infertility.

I know, I have the choice to change the channel, to ignore it, but I always get sucked in. I just love how far off Hollywood can be sometimes with their infertile facts. I actually laughed at certain points in this movie today because the things that happened were just so “easy”.

You know, easy as in “Well if you adopt, you will most likely get pregnant”, that kind of silly, weirdness. I also love how they make adoption look. They always make it look and seem miserable, but it only takes them like 2 weeks to bring home a  bouncing little baby & all they have to do is sign their names on a piece of paper. NOT REALISTIC.

But, we cry at these movies anyways, why…because their outcome is what we all want, to bring home a baby!

Daniel left on Sunday for a 6 month deployment over seas and well, it has not been easy. It never is no matter how much you prepare.

So for now it is me and my 3 pups!

I am keeping busy spending time with my pups, reading, writing and The Sims 3! If your not playing The Sims 3, go buy it, you wont regret it! So much fun.

One thing I find so funny (gag) is that in The Sims 3, you can buy fertility treatments and you end up with twins and sometimes triplets. Even with that, I love the game and it consumes all my lonely hours and when I can not sleep.

Not much else to report on now. I hope you are all well. I have taken a break from visiting IF blogs but please don’t think I have forgotten about you, because I have not. Sometimes it is healthy to step away from it all for a bit.

My husband is leaving this week for 6 months over seas, in a way this is what is freeing me and making me at peace with my infertility, for now. As there really is nothing that can be done, especially by myself.

So even though I am beside myself over my husband leaving and so sad, there is some emotional relief at least with IF.

Sorry I do not blog here often, the situation is at a point right now where we can’t do anything anyways and we have to wait, how long? I don’t know exactly. It could be about 2 years or maybe more.

Right now we are trying to figure out what is our next step, if we should continue down the road we have been taking, or go off on a different one.

I will blog here when the need arises and pertains to Infertility as this is the sole reason for this blog. So please bare with me as there will be long stretches of silence on this blog. I do hope one day in the future, that it will be bustling daily with updates on what we are doing to become parents.

I tried not to think if it much yesterday so I tucked it away, but it still hurt.

The evening ended up being nice, not weather wise but we went and saw fireworks, it was for Memorial Day, but I’d like to think they were for me,lol!

Let me just say that infertility does not plague just one “type” of person, male or female, it does not care, it is willing to ruin anyone’s lives.

When it was time for the first speaker, I looked around. Every table was full. There were young couples as well as some much older couples.

The announcer person said loud into the microphone “I am so glad to see such a great turnout this year”. This very statement made me so sad, mad & made me feel sick.

How can one be “glad” to see 300 couples in one room, broken from something so painful.

I must say we got a lot of information that day, some things we knew about, other things that sounded hopeful.

All the Infertility doctors that spoke that day had all kinds of wonderful treatments and hopeful, happy news but not a single one of them touched on cost, at all.

It all sounds great, looks really freaking sexy on paper too, that is until you find out all the costs. I might as well just say I am infertile because of money!

They had a male speaker come, a father, a husband, to speak about his infertility story. I thought this odd because the men don’t usually speak out, but I was all ears.

He told us his story and it ended with him being the father of a 3 year old daughter with the help of IVF. It was a sad story, all of our stories are sad. Not once did he speak of cost & how he paid for it.

In infertility, not much is a secret, so why is the money talk kept under the blanket? If you know something I don’t, freaking tell me and I will do the same for you.

At the end this man asked if there were any questions. I sat there for a moment, hoping someone else would ask the burning question. No one did.

I raised my hand and asked him how he had afforded 4 IVF cycles. He told me it was a good question, go figure!

His answer was not satisfactory to me and I’m sure others. He simply stated that he is still paying on them. I am assuming that means they took out loans. He did manage to say they had to cut things out of their life, extra stuff.

Thank you for that answer Mr.Man!

There were 4 IVF doctors on the panel and each was giving away IVF cycles at this conference. We were all given a ticket at the beginning, we were to deposit our ticket in the box of the doctor we would like to have do our IVF at the end of the day.

The time came and we chose a doctor and knew our odds were terrible, considering all the people there. Our number was not called, no big surprise there at all.

I will say that it did put a little bit of bitterness back in my mouth and turned the dial from compassion to anger.

This to shall pass…right?

All day I have been wished a happy mothers day, and I suffer in silence, well I complain about it out loud to hubby, but I still feel like no one else can see or feel my pain, they don’t.

Why is it that EVERYONE seems to think that every woman is a mother? Can you answer me this? Not that I want to go around screaming I am infertile but I honestly hate this day, year after year. Don’t get me wrong, I always celebrate it and make sure to let my mother know how much I love & appreciate her, but I am left out.

I honestly get angry when people know I don’t have children but still wish me a happy mother’s day because I have dogs and treat them like a family member. HELLO!?! Just because I have dogs and to me they are my “kids”, does still NOT make me a mother!

To anyone who reads this that has children, cherish them and never take one minute with them for granted for you are blessed and lucky!

I love my sister & am very happy for her, even when I am not my happiest about fertiles. I of course felt I had to post it on Face Book so family far away would know.

One of my cousins said “Congrats Auntie”. I had to think about this, why in the world congradulate me, I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I said thanks to be kind. What do you say to that anyways?

So I don’t know much about the baby right now aside from the facts. The baby is a girl, her name is Madison Ann. I have not seen pictures or know anything else. I’ll find out more later I’m sure.

Why is it so hard to not be sad when a birth of a baby is supposed to be a happy event.