May 10. 2009 by admin.

Can infertile people please have a “special” day, where everyone wishes us a happy infertile day! Yes, today I feel like a negative creep in some ways, in other ways it has been a wonderful, happy day!

All day I have been wished a happy mothers day, and I suffer in silence, well I complain about it out loud to hubby, but I still feel like no one else can see or feel my pain, they don’t.

Why is it that EVERYONE seems to think that every woman is a mother? Can you answer me this? Not that I want to go around screaming I am infertile but I honestly hate this day, year after year. Don’t get me wrong, I always celebrate it and make sure to let my mother know how much I love & appreciate her, but I am left out.

I honestly get angry when people know I don’t have children but still wish me a happy mother’s day because I have dogs and treat them like a family member. HELLO!?! Just because I have dogs and to me they are my “kids”, does still NOT make me a mother!

To anyone who reads this that has children, cherish them and never take one minute with them for granted for you are blessed and lucky!

Posted in Rant, Infertility, Fertiles | 2 Comments »

May 7. 2009 by admin.

So sorry it has been so long since I last posted, life has been a little busy and I just have not had much of a desire. Saturday, May 2nd we attended a Infertility Awareness Conference. I will write a separate post on this in the near future.

There were 4 different IF doctors, all local and each was giving away IVF cycles. Of course this was a huge reason for us to go. Aside from that we wanted information as well.

I am not surprised as there were about 300 couples there, we did not “win” any of the IVF cycles. I told myself I would not let it bother me. Guess what, it did bother me. I instantly got bitter and went from being happy for those who did win to not being so happy for them. That made me feel terrible also.

I just feel like it will never happen, the years tick by, hell my age is ticking by and money…what money!

I hate the cost of IVF, I hate the bastards that try to justify the high prices we have to pay. Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck about the lab person and what they have to do and what it is they do costs a lot….NO!

It really did not make for a good rest of the day. I actually wanted to go home & go to bed. Instead & thankfully, we went to a baseball game. I ended up having fun but was still pretty bitter.

It did not help also that I was facing a tooth extraction on Monday which was making me moody also, plus I had just got my period. Yeah, not a good start to a week. What makes this all the more sucky is that hubby seems to not be home, just working.

When he is home, he is tired and it is close to bed time yet again. Not his fault, they are getting ready for a 6 month deployment and this is just the fun of the beginning days till they go. They work them so they are not really home.

Boy do I feel like complaining tonight! At least I feel pretty good considering the tooth extraction on Monday. Life goes on. IF is at a standstill of course, this is why I never have much to blog about aside from complaining from time to time.

I have more stuff to write about, I’m just not always in the mood to write about IF stuff, I am sure some of you can understand that.

In some other news, got a call from my mother this evening, my sister Jacinta will be having her baby soon. How do I feel about this, well a little numb.

Posted in Rant, Money, IVF, Infertility, Family | 1 Comment »

April 24. 2009 by admin.

I have a tiny, minuscule, bit of hope inside of me. We are attending a conference next weekend on IF and they are giving away some IVF cycles. It could be us. Could is the word. Hope is the word.

If nothing else we will get some information. Information is power…right?

I kind of had a blah week outside of my new pup Cecilia, having her makes me very happy & is keeping me busy. However as far as IF goes, I got set off by my mother this week. It was silly I am sure, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

So much so that I wanted to scream, rip through the phone and show some real, raw emotion. I am tired of people saying they understand me, they don’t. I laughed when my mother says she does, how the heck could she, she had 9 of us kids, no problems with her.

Honestly no one in my family that I am biologically related to has had such a problem. There have been a few who had a miscarriage or two and have gone on to have many kids. I would never downplay their miscarriages. They did reach the light at the end of the tunnel though. I have not.

Do you ever feel like you are getting comfortable in your IF ? I do. I think it is because it has been 7 years, you get older, you have your likes & dislikes in life, you settle..get comfortable. I sometimes feel like I am at peace with it, other times I want to rage.

For now I have my 3 pups, they keep me busy & the new one Cecilia is like an infant. Yes, I know she is not. Have I mentioned that we do treat our dogs like our children. I don’t care what you think of me, no I don’t dress them up for fun, sweaters in the winter as they are small dogs.

I feel a bit frustrated, tis the season though…I guess. it is Spring, all new life, lots of fertiles giving birth, so I get a puppy,lol. Speaking of babies, cuz you know the fertiles just don’t talk about them enough, so I do,lol… My sister is due in a couple weeks. Nope, I still have not talked to her oddly enough.

Maybe so much time has passed that talking would be awkward? I don’t know. I try to talk “kids”, I do care about my little family members but you get tired of it. It really gets tiring when the fertiles never ask truley how you are doing.

I don’t care what you do or do not know about me, ask me. ASK ME! No one does though, aside from my mother. I mean give me a freaking break, it has been 7 years. Family has to know something is wrong. Should I expect them to ask me? Or should I be just putting it out there?

I have a puppy ever couple years, not a baby, so people must know. I thought for the longest time that maybe one of my cousins was having trouble having a baby, all I know is she ended up pregnant.

So I wonder, I wonder all the time if people think we are waiting for what the fuck ever reason to have kids. I have never really been a career girl, so I would think people would cross that off the list. Daniel has not been on a deployment in at least 4 years, so him being gone all the time is not a good reason either.

I have to cut this short, Cecilia is awake from her nap & needs to potty & eat.

All I am getting at is I am not an egg, I don’t want people to continue to act like they are walking on egg shells with me. Just ask. This game is old. Years ago they used to ask, many years ago, before we knew anything was wrong. So we answered with “We’re working on it”. I guess we still are huh.

Posted in Rant, Infertility, Fertiles, Family | 2 Comments »

March 28. 2009 by admin.

Dear little girl, yes..I will call you a little girl…WTF is wrong with you!?!

I had just finished a wonderful day with my hubby and dogs, going to Wal*Mart cause I was hungry, not to see or hear what you said to your small child!

I don’t want to repeate what she said. Inside I cried, on the outside I glared at her and that poor child. Did she have a bad day? Yeah, sure seemed like it but I am sure it was not her child’s fault but she sure tried to make him feel like life would be happy without him.

SHAME on YOU!

Posted in Rant, Fertiles | 2 Comments »