June 20. 2009 by admin.

I’m still around, still trying to get used to hubby not being here, tomorrow marks 2 weeks since he left. Still is not getting any easier, but I knew it wouldn’t.

I’ve been watching more movies than in the past and I guess it has been my “lucky” week. I am saying lucky in a very sarcastic way. All the movies I keep running into are about infertility.

I know, I have the choice to change the channel, to ignore it, but I always get sucked in. I just love how far off Hollywood can be sometimes with their infertile facts. I actually laughed at certain points in this movie today because the things that happened were just so “easy”.

You know, easy as in “Well if you adopt, you will most likely get pregnant”, that kind of silly, weirdness. I also love how they make adoption look. They always make it look and seem miserable, but it only takes them like 2 weeks to bring home a  bouncing little baby & all they have to do is sign their names on a piece of paper. NOT REALISTIC.

But, we cry at these movies anyways, why…because their outcome is what we all want, to bring home a baby!

Posted in IVF, Infertility, Adoption | No Comments »

June 1. 2009 by admin.

I know it might sound really weird or odd but today I feel at peace with my infertility. Even if it is only for a short time. No, I am not giving up or giving in.

My husband is leaving this week for 6 months over seas, in a way this is what is freeing me and making me at peace with my infertility, for now. As there really is nothing that can be done, especially by myself.

So even though I am beside myself over my husband leaving and so sad, there is some emotional relief at least with IF.

Sorry I do not blog here often, the situation is at a point right now where we can’t do anything anyways and we have to wait, how long? I don’t know exactly. It could be about 2 years or maybe more.

Right now we are trying to figure out what is our next step, if we should continue down the road we have been taking, or go off on a different one.

I will blog here when the need arises and pertains to Infertility as this is the sole reason for this blog. So please bare with me as there will be long stretches of silence on this blog. I do hope one day in the future, that it will be bustling daily with updates on what we are doing to become parents.

Posted in Money, IVF, Infertility | 1 Comment »

May 13. 2009 by admin.

I am all to painfully aware of my infertility, almost 8 years is not a short walk in the park at all. On May 2nd, Daniel & I attended an Infertility Awareness Conference in our area.

Let me just say that infertility does not plague just one “type” of person, male or female, it does not care, it is willing to ruin anyone’s lives.

When it was time for the first speaker, I looked around. Every table was full. There were young couples as well as some much older couples.

The announcer person said loud into the microphone “I am so glad to see such a great turnout this year”. This very statement made me so sad, mad & made me feel sick.

How can one be “glad” to see 300 couples in one room, broken from something so painful.

I must say we got a lot of information that day, some things we knew about, other things that sounded hopeful.

All the Infertility doctors that spoke that day had all kinds of wonderful treatments and hopeful, happy news but not a single one of them touched on cost, at all.

It all sounds great, looks really freaking sexy on paper too, that is until you find out all the costs. I might as well just say I am infertile because of money!

They had a male speaker come, a father, a husband, to speak about his infertility story. I thought this odd because the men don’t usually speak out, but I was all ears.

He told us his story and it ended with him being the father of a 3 year old daughter with the help of IVF. It was a sad story, all of our stories are sad. Not once did he speak of cost & how he paid for it.

In infertility, not much is a secret, so why is the money talk kept under the blanket? If you know something I don’t, freaking tell me and I will do the same for you.

At the end this man asked if there were any questions. I sat there for a moment, hoping someone else would ask the burning question. No one did.

I raised my hand and asked him how he had afforded 4 IVF cycles. He told me it was a good question, go figure!

His answer was not satisfactory to me and I’m sure others. He simply stated that he is still paying on them. I am assuming that means they took out loans. He did manage to say they had to cut things out of their life, extra stuff.

Thank you for that answer Mr.Man!

There were 4 IVF doctors on the panel and each was giving away IVF cycles at this conference. We were all given a ticket at the beginning, we were to deposit our ticket in the box of the doctor we would like to have do our IVF at the end of the day.

The time came and we chose a doctor and knew our odds were terrible, considering all the people there. Our number was not called, no big surprise there at all.

I will say that it did put a little bit of bitterness back in my mouth and turned the dial from compassion to anger.

This to shall pass…right?

Posted in Money, IVF, Infertility | 2 Comments »

May 7. 2009 by admin.

So sorry it has been so long since I last posted, life has been a little busy and I just have not had much of a desire. Saturday, May 2nd we attended a Infertility Awareness Conference. I will write a separate post on this in the near future.

There were 4 different IF doctors, all local and each was giving away IVF cycles. Of course this was a huge reason for us to go. Aside from that we wanted information as well.

I am not surprised as there were about 300 couples there, we did not “win” any of the IVF cycles. I told myself I would not let it bother me. Guess what, it did bother me. I instantly got bitter and went from being happy for those who did win to not being so happy for them. That made me feel terrible also.

I just feel like it will never happen, the years tick by, hell my age is ticking by and money…what money!

I hate the cost of IVF, I hate the bastards that try to justify the high prices we have to pay. Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck about the lab person and what they have to do and what it is they do costs a lot….NO!

It really did not make for a good rest of the day. I actually wanted to go home & go to bed. Instead & thankfully, we went to a baseball game. I ended up having fun but was still pretty bitter.

It did not help also that I was facing a tooth extraction on Monday which was making me moody also, plus I had just got my period. Yeah, not a good start to a week. What makes this all the more sucky is that hubby seems to not be home, just working.

When he is home, he is tired and it is close to bed time yet again. Not his fault, they are getting ready for a 6 month deployment and this is just the fun of the beginning days till they go. They work them so they are not really home.

Boy do I feel like complaining tonight! At least I feel pretty good considering the tooth extraction on Monday. Life goes on. IF is at a standstill of course, this is why I never have much to blog about aside from complaining from time to time.

I have more stuff to write about, I’m just not always in the mood to write about IF stuff, I am sure some of you can understand that.

In some other news, got a call from my mother this evening, my sister Jacinta will be having her baby soon. How do I feel about this, well a little numb.

Posted in Rant, Money, IVF, Infertility, Family | 1 Comment »

April 19. 2009 by admin.

My sister’s baby is due in May, either on hubby’s birthday or possibly mine. I think of her all the time & miss her terribly, but for some reason I can’t seem to pick up the phone to tell her this.

I know that she knows I love her but I don’t get to say it often enough. I honestly feel like I have been terribly selfish with my IF and my lack of support for her. I mean, I do support her. Does she know this? Most likely not since I can’t even remember the last time we talked on the phone.

Was it almost a year ago? Was it months ago, a quick hello? I can’t tell you, but that gives me a sucky feeling inside. She deserves more than I have ever given her.

Funny how after 7 years I seem to be having more compassion for fertiles, almost like most of my anger has left me. I know I should not question this, I don’t want to be angry and bitter. I have my days, really I do.

Maybe I am becoming numb, dealing with IF for so long. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is still years away and who knows when I get there if IVF will work for us.

I feel like so much time has been wasted, but honestly, there is nothing that could have been done sooner, we would not have had all the money saved up that we needed.

I try to convince myself every day that God has a plan and that things will happen, but all I see is a big, huge 7 stairing me in the face and now the big 30 is also creeping up on me, making me question my very existence.

Am I having a pitty party for myself…no, I think not. I guess hitting the big 30 soon is making me think more and question many things past & present in my life.

And the clock ticks on.

Posted in IVF, Infertility, Family | 4 Comments »

March 24. 2009 by admin.

I hate when you want to act on something, you sometimes are just not able to. Since we found out we can have a baby through IVF, we have not been able to do much and that can get frustrating at times.

I try to be at peace with where we are at this point, but it is hard to be at peace when you know something could be done if only you had the money. I try to live in the moment, sometimes it’s hard.

Hubby is soon going away for a 6 month deployment over sea’s so I KNOW that at this point nothing could be done, even if we had the money, so I really should just let it go for the time being.

I go through spurts, I have actually gone several months not really even thinking about IF or IVF because I knew nothing could be done at that time. The other end of those spurts is where it is on my mind 24/7. You wouldn’t know though because I keep it inside.

I keep it inside because I know right now, nothing can be done.

Posted in Money, IVF, Infertility | 1 Comment »

March 22. 2009 by admin.

Maybe Baby.

Several weeks ago hubby decided to do some research on his own about grants and such for IVF, when he came upon a local RE that will be holding a Conference on May 2nd.

He signed us up immedietly for it. We have never been to any kind of anything really that deals with IVF or IF. So I honestly am excited to see what we may learn from this experience.

Another happy thing is that 3 couples that attend the conference will be awarded with free IVF cycles. Yeah, I would not miss this for the world. It is a long shot.

It could also be our chance!

Of course I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up because who knows how many IF couples there are where we live. I am sure the number is much higher than I’d like to think it is. It sucks.

So there is another small bit of good news, no gaurentees that we will get awarded with an IVF cycle but I guess for now, all I can do is still hope!

Posted in IVF, Infertility | 1 Comment »

March 21. 2009 by admin.

This Is How It Is For Now.

I know people want to know where we are exactly right now with our IF, I am working my way there in my story. I wanted to start from the beginning so that I could look back. It has actually been very therapeutic for me to blog and write a post a day. Please stick with me

From year 6 into 7. We got our orders and it was time to move yet again. This time we decided to come to Florida, we really didn’t have many other places to go state side. Florida is closer to my family whom all live in Maine.

So in this past year we got another phone call from my sister stating that she is pregnant, the baby is due around mine & Daniel’s birthdays in May. I took this pregnancy OK, I love my nephew and niece very much, no matter how sad and hurt I might be due to IF.

We are at a stand still I guess you could say with our IF. We need money so that we can do IVF, we don’t have that kind of money on hand right now. So money stands between us and the possibility of our baby. This is where we stand NOW.

I really wish that our insurance would help somehow, but sadly no. If it is deemed medically necessary though, they will “pay” for you to have an abortion! Yes, I think there is something seriously wrong with that.

It is nessisary for us to have “help” to concieve, but no one is around to help us. So I wonder as I read over some other IF blogs how everyone is being able to afford IVF. Am I missing out on something that I should know about? Are there loans being taken out? How does one afford IVF!?!

Any advice would be great, but I know money is a private matter also, so if you don’t want to publicly discuss with me how you have gone about to afford IVF, then please…please e-mail me.Any little bits of information would be great!

Are there any grants anyone knows about? I know I might be sounding a little desperate, but guess what…I am,lol!

Posted in Money, IVF, Infertility | 4 Comments »

March 19. 2009 by admin.

The Ray Of Sun After The Rain.

Now we are heading into year 6. It was time for the annual PAP, I always hate doing this as it always seems to be a pain in the ass for whoever is performing it. I went to my “regular” doctor who then told me it was not her job and that I had to go back to the OBGYN with cold assistant.

Yeah, I all of sudden thought about skipping it for the time being as we were getting ready to move again and I could start fresh. But it was agreed that I should not put it off. So I reluctantly went to said OBGYN.

I was so unhappy just walking into her office, some of the raw emotion came back and I wanted to bite some one’s head off. So when OBGYN came waltzing into the room I wanted to hide. She was all bubbly, of course she seemed to have forgotten about my situation.

She started with the exam and then went into baby talk. I was angry and she could sense it. She asked me how are baby making was coming along. I was floored that she had the audacity to ask me such a thing, so at that point I was certain she had no clue who I was.

I asked her what she meant by that. She seemed clueless and I hated the fact that I thought I had to joggle her brain and go into detail. She then asked me why I never came back. Hmmmm? WHY? So I told her what had gone on with her assistant and all that I was offered was that we could not get pregnant.

She kind of laughed and made me feel about . <–small. She said her assistant would not have left me hanging like that. I started to cry because as if infertility was not the biggest horror in my life that now I was also being called a liar.

She calls assistant in and in front of me she asked her assistant what had happened. She denied that she did not leave me with further instructions. I was about to walk out and she told the assistant to leave. I told her I had no need to lie, WTF did I have to loose?!?

So she breaks the news “You can’t get pregnant naturally but you can by IVF, IVF is the only way you will be able to have a baby”. I balled like a little girl, I could not contain it, she hugged me and apologized for whatever didn’t happen that should have.

She was pissed we had wasted more time, like 2 years really. I had never been given the packet that said we needed to seek IVF help. Although there was no excuse on her part for why she did not do a follow up.

This was such great news but I was so sad at the same time. So much time had passed, so much pain & anger suffered needlessly. Not that knowing all of a sudden solved everything. We know it is risky.

I cried all the way out of her office, all the way to the car, my husband had no clue what was going on. I told him what she said. Hope was renewed. The only problem now is MONEY. We are heading out to Florida and we knew the cost for IVF is great and not something we could do right away.

Posted in IVF, Infertility | 1 Comment »