July 26. 2009 by admin.

I am still around, not really connected to the IF community at the moment. Only because it will be a while till we can do things plus it is really stressful. I have a lot going on in other areas of life, at least this is one area and I kind of walk away from and disconnect. I know that sounds bad but it has been a long road already and not much to show so keeping a distance helps sometimes.

It keeps my mind healthy to let some things go that have to do with IF every once in a while. But I am still here and I am happy for all of you whom are expecting, you have walked the road and have been lucky enough to walk away with a prize.

Posted in Infertility | 1 Comment »

June 23. 2009 by admin.

Wow, I have been taking a break from reading IF blogs and I come to find out many of you recently got pregnant. How depressing. Yes, I said depressing and you all very well know why and I don’t feel the need to explain myself on that. However, I am very happy for all of you whom are pregnant and I wish you all the very best.

Posted in Infertility | 3 Comments »

June 20. 2009 by admin.

I’m still around, still trying to get used to hubby not being here, tomorrow marks 2 weeks since he left. Still is not getting any easier, but I knew it wouldn’t.

I’ve been watching more movies than in the past and I guess it has been my “lucky” week. I am saying lucky in a very sarcastic way. All the movies I keep running into are about infertility.

I know, I have the choice to change the channel, to ignore it, but I always get sucked in. I just love how far off Hollywood can be sometimes with their infertile facts. I actually laughed at certain points in this movie today because the things that happened were just so “easy”.

You know, easy as in “Well if you adopt, you will most likely get pregnant”, that kind of silly, weirdness. I also love how they make adoption look. They always make it look and seem miserable, but it only takes them like 2 weeks to bring home a  bouncing little baby & all they have to do is sign their names on a piece of paper. NOT REALISTIC.

But, we cry at these movies anyways, why…because their outcome is what we all want, to bring home a baby!

Posted in IVF, Infertility, Adoption | No Comments »

June 11. 2009 by admin.

Hello Ladies, so sorry it has been a while yet again since I’ve posted. Although I did state that things would be slow here for a reason.

Daniel left on Sunday for a 6 month deployment over seas and well, it has not been easy. It never is no matter how much you prepare.

So for now it is me and my 3 pups!

I am keeping busy spending time with my pups, reading, writing and The Sims 3! If your not playing The Sims 3, go buy it, you wont regret it! So much fun.

One thing I find so funny (gag) is that in The Sims 3, you can buy fertility treatments and you end up with twins and sometimes triplets. Even with that, I love the game and it consumes all my lonely hours and when I can not sleep.

Not much else to report on now. I hope you are all well. I have taken a break from visiting IF blogs but please don’t think I have forgotten about you, because I have not. Sometimes it is healthy to step away from it all for a bit.

Posted in Infertility | 1 Comment »

June 1. 2009 by admin.

I know it might sound really weird or odd but today I feel at peace with my infertility. Even if it is only for a short time. No, I am not giving up or giving in.

My husband is leaving this week for 6 months over seas, in a way this is what is freeing me and making me at peace with my infertility, for now. As there really is nothing that can be done, especially by myself.

So even though I am beside myself over my husband leaving and so sad, there is some emotional relief at least with IF.

Sorry I do not blog here often, the situation is at a point right now where we can’t do anything anyways and we have to wait, how long? I don’t know exactly. It could be about 2 years or maybe more.

Right now we are trying to figure out what is our next step, if we should continue down the road we have been taking, or go off on a different one.

I will blog here when the need arises and pertains to Infertility as this is the sole reason for this blog. So please bare with me as there will be long stretches of silence on this blog. I do hope one day in the future, that it will be bustling daily with updates on what we are doing to become parents.

Posted in Money, IVF, Infertility | 1 Comment »

May 26. 2009 by admin.

Yesterday was my 30th birthday. It came with a mix of feelings and emotions. Most of them not good. It does not feel good to be 30 and still not have any children. It hurts, it hurts a lot.

I tried not to think if it much yesterday so I tucked it away, but it still hurt.

The evening ended up being nice, not weather wise but we went and saw fireworks, it was for Memorial Day, but I’d like to think they were for me,lol!

Posted in Infertility | 1 Comment »

May 13. 2009 by admin.

I am all to painfully aware of my infertility, almost 8 years is not a short walk in the park at all. On May 2nd, Daniel & I attended an Infertility Awareness Conference in our area.

Let me just say that infertility does not plague just one “type” of person, male or female, it does not care, it is willing to ruin anyone’s lives.

When it was time for the first speaker, I looked around. Every table was full. There were young couples as well as some much older couples.

The announcer person said loud into the microphone “I am so glad to see such a great turnout this year”. This very statement made me so sad, mad & made me feel sick.

How can one be “glad” to see 300 couples in one room, broken from something so painful.

I must say we got a lot of information that day, some things we knew about, other things that sounded hopeful.

All the Infertility doctors that spoke that day had all kinds of wonderful treatments and hopeful, happy news but not a single one of them touched on cost, at all.

It all sounds great, looks really freaking sexy on paper too, that is until you find out all the costs. I might as well just say I am infertile because of money!

They had a male speaker come, a father, a husband, to speak about his infertility story. I thought this odd because the men don’t usually speak out, but I was all ears.

He told us his story and it ended with him being the father of a 3 year old daughter with the help of IVF. It was a sad story, all of our stories are sad. Not once did he speak of cost & how he paid for it.

In infertility, not much is a secret, so why is the money talk kept under the blanket? If you know something I don’t, freaking tell me and I will do the same for you.

At the end this man asked if there were any questions. I sat there for a moment, hoping someone else would ask the burning question. No one did.

I raised my hand and asked him how he had afforded 4 IVF cycles. He told me it was a good question, go figure!

His answer was not satisfactory to me and I’m sure others. He simply stated that he is still paying on them. I am assuming that means they took out loans. He did manage to say they had to cut things out of their life, extra stuff.

Thank you for that answer Mr.Man!

There were 4 IVF doctors on the panel and each was giving away IVF cycles at this conference. We were all given a ticket at the beginning, we were to deposit our ticket in the box of the doctor we would like to have do our IVF at the end of the day.

The time came and we chose a doctor and knew our odds were terrible, considering all the people there. Our number was not called, no big surprise there at all.

I will say that it did put a little bit of bitterness back in my mouth and turned the dial from compassion to anger.

This to shall pass…right?

Posted in Money, IVF, Infertility | 2 Comments »

May 10. 2009 by admin.

Can infertile people please have a “special” day, where everyone wishes us a happy infertile day! Yes, today I feel like a negative creep in some ways, in other ways it has been a wonderful, happy day!

All day I have been wished a happy mothers day, and I suffer in silence, well I complain about it out loud to hubby, but I still feel like no one else can see or feel my pain, they don’t.

Why is it that EVERYONE seems to think that every woman is a mother? Can you answer me this? Not that I want to go around screaming I am infertile but I honestly hate this day, year after year. Don’t get me wrong, I always celebrate it and make sure to let my mother know how much I love & appreciate her, but I am left out.

I honestly get angry when people know I don’t have children but still wish me a happy mother’s day because I have dogs and treat them like a family member. HELLO!?! Just because I have dogs and to me they are my “kids”, does still NOT make me a mother!

To anyone who reads this that has children, cherish them and never take one minute with them for granted for you are blessed and lucky!

Posted in Rant, Infertility, Fertiles | 2 Comments »

May 7. 2009 by admin.

My sister Jacinta had her baby this morning, mom called early, don’t remember the time. I don’t normally call my sister right away and give congrats, usually later in the day/evening.

I love my sister & am very happy for her, even when I am not my happiest about fertiles. I of course felt I had to post it on Face Book so family far away would know.

One of my cousins said “Congrats Auntie”. I had to think about this, why in the world congradulate me, I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I said thanks to be kind. What do you say to that anyways?

So I don’t know much about the baby right now aside from the facts. The baby is a girl, her name is Madison Ann. I have not seen pictures or know anything else. I’ll find out more later I’m sure.

Why is it so hard to not be sad when a birth of a baby is supposed to be a happy event.

Posted in Infertility, Fertiles, Family | No Comments »

May 7. 2009 by admin.

So sorry it has been so long since I last posted, life has been a little busy and I just have not had much of a desire. Saturday, May 2nd we attended a Infertility Awareness Conference. I will write a separate post on this in the near future.

There were 4 different IF doctors, all local and each was giving away IVF cycles. Of course this was a huge reason for us to go. Aside from that we wanted information as well.

I am not surprised as there were about 300 couples there, we did not “win” any of the IVF cycles. I told myself I would not let it bother me. Guess what, it did bother me. I instantly got bitter and went from being happy for those who did win to not being so happy for them. That made me feel terrible also.

I just feel like it will never happen, the years tick by, hell my age is ticking by and money…what money!

I hate the cost of IVF, I hate the bastards that try to justify the high prices we have to pay. Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck about the lab person and what they have to do and what it is they do costs a lot….NO!

It really did not make for a good rest of the day. I actually wanted to go home & go to bed. Instead & thankfully, we went to a baseball game. I ended up having fun but was still pretty bitter.

It did not help also that I was facing a tooth extraction on Monday which was making me moody also, plus I had just got my period. Yeah, not a good start to a week. What makes this all the more sucky is that hubby seems to not be home, just working.

When he is home, he is tired and it is close to bed time yet again. Not his fault, they are getting ready for a 6 month deployment and this is just the fun of the beginning days till they go. They work them so they are not really home.

Boy do I feel like complaining tonight! At least I feel pretty good considering the tooth extraction on Monday. Life goes on. IF is at a standstill of course, this is why I never have much to blog about aside from complaining from time to time.

I have more stuff to write about, I’m just not always in the mood to write about IF stuff, I am sure some of you can understand that.

In some other news, got a call from my mother this evening, my sister Jacinta will be having her baby soon. How do I feel about this, well a little numb.

Posted in Rant, Money, IVF, Infertility, Family | 1 Comment »