May 7. 2009 by admin.

My sister Jacinta had her baby this morning, mom called early, don’t remember the time. I don’t normally call my sister right away and give congrats, usually later in the day/evening.

I love my sister & am very happy for her, even when I am not my happiest about fertiles. I of course felt I had to post it on Face Book so family far away would know.

One of my cousins said “Congrats Auntie”. I had to think about this, why in the world congradulate me, I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I said thanks to be kind. What do you say to that anyways?

So I don’t know much about the baby right now aside from the facts. The baby is a girl, her name is Madison Ann. I have not seen pictures or know anything else. I’ll find out more later I’m sure.

Why is it so hard to not be sad when a birth of a baby is supposed to be a happy event.

Posted in Infertility, Fertiles, Family | No Comments »

May 7. 2009 by admin.

So sorry it has been so long since I last posted, life has been a little busy and I just have not had much of a desire. Saturday, May 2nd we attended a Infertility Awareness Conference. I will write a separate post on this in the near future.

There were 4 different IF doctors, all local and each was giving away IVF cycles. Of course this was a huge reason for us to go. Aside from that we wanted information as well.

I am not surprised as there were about 300 couples there, we did not “win” any of the IVF cycles. I told myself I would not let it bother me. Guess what, it did bother me. I instantly got bitter and went from being happy for those who did win to not being so happy for them. That made me feel terrible also.

I just feel like it will never happen, the years tick by, hell my age is ticking by and money…what money!

I hate the cost of IVF, I hate the bastards that try to justify the high prices we have to pay. Do you honestly think I give a flying fuck about the lab person and what they have to do and what it is they do costs a lot….NO!

It really did not make for a good rest of the day. I actually wanted to go home & go to bed. Instead & thankfully, we went to a baseball game. I ended up having fun but was still pretty bitter.

It did not help also that I was facing a tooth extraction on Monday which was making me moody also, plus I had just got my period. Yeah, not a good start to a week. What makes this all the more sucky is that hubby seems to not be home, just working.

When he is home, he is tired and it is close to bed time yet again. Not his fault, they are getting ready for a 6 month deployment and this is just the fun of the beginning days till they go. They work them so they are not really home.

Boy do I feel like complaining tonight! At least I feel pretty good considering the tooth extraction on Monday. Life goes on. IF is at a standstill of course, this is why I never have much to blog about aside from complaining from time to time.

I have more stuff to write about, I’m just not always in the mood to write about IF stuff, I am sure some of you can understand that.

In some other news, got a call from my mother this evening, my sister Jacinta will be having her baby soon. How do I feel about this, well a little numb.

Posted in Rant, Money, IVF, Infertility, Family | 1 Comment »

April 24. 2009 by admin.

I have a tiny, minuscule, bit of hope inside of me. We are attending a conference next weekend on IF and they are giving away some IVF cycles. It could be us. Could is the word. Hope is the word.

If nothing else we will get some information. Information is power…right?

I kind of had a blah week outside of my new pup Cecilia, having her makes me very happy & is keeping me busy. However as far as IF goes, I got set off by my mother this week. It was silly I am sure, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

So much so that I wanted to scream, rip through the phone and show some real, raw emotion. I am tired of people saying they understand me, they don’t. I laughed when my mother says she does, how the heck could she, she had 9 of us kids, no problems with her.

Honestly no one in my family that I am biologically related to has had such a problem. There have been a few who had a miscarriage or two and have gone on to have many kids. I would never downplay their miscarriages. They did reach the light at the end of the tunnel though. I have not.

Do you ever feel like you are getting comfortable in your IF ? I do. I think it is because it has been 7 years, you get older, you have your likes & dislikes in life, you settle..get comfortable. I sometimes feel like I am at peace with it, other times I want to rage.

For now I have my 3 pups, they keep me busy & the new one Cecilia is like an infant. Yes, I know she is not. Have I mentioned that we do treat our dogs like our children. I don’t care what you think of me, no I don’t dress them up for fun, sweaters in the winter as they are small dogs.

I feel a bit frustrated, tis the season though…I guess. it is Spring, all new life, lots of fertiles giving birth, so I get a puppy,lol. Speaking of babies, cuz you know the fertiles just don’t talk about them enough, so I do,lol… My sister is due in a couple weeks. Nope, I still have not talked to her oddly enough.

Maybe so much time has passed that talking would be awkward? I don’t know. I try to talk “kids”, I do care about my little family members but you get tired of it. It really gets tiring when the fertiles never ask truley how you are doing.

I don’t care what you do or do not know about me, ask me. ASK ME! No one does though, aside from my mother. I mean give me a freaking break, it has been 7 years. Family has to know something is wrong. Should I expect them to ask me? Or should I be just putting it out there?

I have a puppy ever couple years, not a baby, so people must know. I thought for the longest time that maybe one of my cousins was having trouble having a baby, all I know is she ended up pregnant.

So I wonder, I wonder all the time if people think we are waiting for what the fuck ever reason to have kids. I have never really been a career girl, so I would think people would cross that off the list. Daniel has not been on a deployment in at least 4 years, so him being gone all the time is not a good reason either.

I have to cut this short, Cecilia is awake from her nap & needs to potty & eat.

All I am getting at is I am not an egg, I don’t want people to continue to act like they are walking on egg shells with me. Just ask. This game is old. Years ago they used to ask, many years ago, before we knew anything was wrong. So we answered with “We’re working on it”. I guess we still are huh.

Posted in Rant, Infertility, Fertiles, Family | 2 Comments »

April 20. 2009 by admin.

Welcome Cecilia!

Ok, so it is not possible to have kids right now, so we have been “growing” our family with cute, fluffy things instead.

Today I brought home Cecilia, she is a purebred Schnauzer and sooooo cute.

Not something I would share here on this blog normally as it is not infertility related, well maybe a bit related but anyways, I am in love and this makes #3 dogkid for us.

Posted in Infertility, Family | 3 Comments »

April 19. 2009 by admin.

My sister’s baby is due in May, either on hubby’s birthday or possibly mine. I think of her all the time & miss her terribly, but for some reason I can’t seem to pick up the phone to tell her this.

I know that she knows I love her but I don’t get to say it often enough. I honestly feel like I have been terribly selfish with my IF and my lack of support for her. I mean, I do support her. Does she know this? Most likely not since I can’t even remember the last time we talked on the phone.

Was it almost a year ago? Was it months ago, a quick hello? I can’t tell you, but that gives me a sucky feeling inside. She deserves more than I have ever given her.

Funny how after 7 years I seem to be having more compassion for fertiles, almost like most of my anger has left me. I know I should not question this, I don’t want to be angry and bitter. I have my days, really I do.

Maybe I am becoming numb, dealing with IF for so long. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is still years away and who knows when I get there if IVF will work for us.

I feel like so much time has been wasted, but honestly, there is nothing that could have been done sooner, we would not have had all the money saved up that we needed.

I try to convince myself every day that God has a plan and that things will happen, but all I see is a big, huge 7 stairing me in the face and now the big 30 is also creeping up on me, making me question my very existence.

Am I having a pitty party for myself…no, I think not. I guess hitting the big 30 soon is making me think more and question many things past & present in my life.

And the clock ticks on.

Posted in IVF, Infertility, Family | 4 Comments »

March 26. 2009 by admin.

There are still 2 family members pregnant. My sister & then a cousin. One cousin just had her baby several days ago. By the way she was the one with my aunt who left the message on the machine. Yeah, well I decided to just send that aunt a quick e-mail stating that they baby is cute and congrats.

I left that at that and I am sure I won’t hear from that aunt for months, this is the game she plays.

This other cousin who is having her baby in August found out today it is a baby girl. yay. I am happy for her but what upsets me is how much they all take their pregnancies for granted. I would be so freaking happy if the only freaking thing I had to worry about is what to name it!

Every day her Facebook status is flashing with something either “woe is me”, or something about this baby in my belly. But don’t all the fertiles complain about every little thing? Like I said, I think they take it for granted, but I guess that is a right & luxury they have been given.

Not me!

Posted in Infertility, Family | 3 Comments »

March 23. 2009 by admin.

Several months back I found out one of my cousins was going to have a baby. No one but my mother ever calls to let me know this stuff. No, I don’t get upset with my mother for letting me know, unless I am in a bitter mood.

This cousin, I have not talked to in forever, well it’s been years. I last saw her at my sisters wedding and that was when I got to meet her hubby. Then nothing, for years. This is how it is with several of my cousins and I don’t get it really.

Maybe we all grew up to close and now they want nothing to do with me. No, this has nothing to do with IF, this has been going on since way before we knew anything about our IF. I guess people just grow apart. Sorry, I am rambling, there might be a bit of that in this post.

Have I wanted to be close with them, YES. Have I reached out to them, YES.  I don’t know what went wrong and where. I am almost positive it is just who they are, you know, like small clicks.

Anyways like 2 years ago I e-mail this particular cousin, I did not have her e-mail address but it was given to me by another cousin. I wrote her a nice long e-mail, wanting to know what had been going on in her life.

The e-mail I got back was short and cold. I left her alone. Fast forward to November or December 2008, my mother tells me this cousin is pregnant. I am a nice person and I love all of my family regardless of how they treat me, so I decided I wanted to make this cousin a card.

In December along with a Christmas card came a separate card from my aunt, the to-be grandmother. It was a baby registry and a Baby Shower invitation. I honestly was not going to send a gift. I fought back & forth with myself over this. Going from the feeling that this cousin could care less about me to well I am better than that.

I finally decided that I was going to send a gift because umm hello I was not going to fly home special for her baby shower in January. I did not have her current home address because I wanted to send everything directly to her, not her mother.

So I wrote to my aunt of course, since I no longer had cousins e-mail. Then I get an e-mail from this cousin saying that aunt said I wanted her home address. It was yet another short and not very warm mail. She wrote at the end if it to “keep in touch”.

Silly me thought she meant that and I e-mailed her a nice e-mail again talking about this and that. I kept in touch, I have not heard back from her. This was a while ago. I made her a handmade card and sent out the gift anyways. Have not heard anything, not even a hello.

Of course I have not tried to contact her since then because I feel like I keep reaching out into a black hole. When is enough, just that..enough!

No one actually told me the baby was born, not a big deal really. Just a hey, the baby is born and healthy is fine with me. I love everyone, even the ones who can have babies. I have moods where I hate all of them also.

I found out the baby was born by reading another family members Facebook. OK, so I know now. I told my mother and she got mad because no one had told her, left out as always. Next thing I know I am getting a phone call from my Grandmother whom I love with all my heart.

I listened for a half hour as she talked about this baby, yeah that day I gritted my teeth and bit my toung. I don’t want stories and baby oogling. My grandmother knows nothing of our IF yet either, so I can only blame myself if I get upset right!

Then Daniel & I go out this weekend, come home to a phone call from the aunt, the new grandmother. She tells me to call her because she wants to tell me all about the new baby. I open my e-mail and what is before my eyes, tons of pictures of new baby and some of cousin with baby.

I had a few ugly thoughts for a few minutes.

OK, so if you are still reading I do have a point to this post,lol. Now my question is…Why on earth does new grandmother think I would want to call her? I never hear from these people and when I do, I contact them back and then I don’t hear from them for however long.

Does she love me? I am sure. I love her but my love for some people in my family is very guarded, it just has to be. I feel like they are so damn fake sometimes.

Am I supposed to call her back and congratulate her…the new grandmother? Umm, I think not. She did not have the child. Will I call cousin? Ummm no, I am tired of getting hurt by certain people. Will I send her a lovely handmade card, of course I will because I love this cousin, I just wish she felt the same.

So I am trying to figure out what I should do or not do with new grandmother! Shall I just call and grit my teeth and pretend I want to hear all about it? Or shall I just live my life and let this go and move on?

Shall I say something to new grandmother, at all. Like send an e-mail with some smiles. I am happy for them, all of them but shit, she is the grandmother not the momma! Plus I feel some of these people only say stuff to me when it is convenient.

My mother says that when I get pregnant I will want everyone to be happy & excited for me! You know what, the only ones I will want happy & excited for me, are the ones who have been there for me, have loved me and have wanted me in their lives. The rest can FUCK OFF!

Posted in Infertility, Family | 1 Comment »

March 20. 2009 by admin.

From Now On, I’ll Keep Them To Myself.

Who knows what year we are in now,lol. Like I said we have been going through this for a long time now and some years just melt into the next and so I think this story was in year 6.

Life was moving on and we had now known that we can have a baby through IVF, so now it all comes down to figuring out how to pay for it.

I was feeling better, some hope restored, a new lease on life.

The phone rings and it is my sister. My first thought is that she has to be pregnant because that is the only time she had called me before aside from asking us to be God parents.

She says “We are pregnant”! I was not so sad sounding in congratulating them this time, although I will be honest, it still stung and it did still hurt, nothing will change that.

Before I never asked her a thing, nothing really. This time I thought I could handle asking a few things. I want to say right here that many years before, well before my sister was married we told some people the names we had picked out for our kids.

Looking back, I would never do this again. So some little advice from me is if you really want those names, don’t tell anyone whom might become pregnant before you!

So do you know where I am going with this? I decided to ask her, do you have any names picked out. I sure as hell knew I would not get a chance to use her names first, so I thought it was OK to ask.

She said yes. I do not remember what they had picked if it was a boy, but if it was a girl they would be naming her Ella. WHAT?!? Time to get off phone so I don’t say something in her ear.

Let me let you in, the name we had picked for our first daughter was Bella. Yeah, Ella is VERY close to Bella and I did become very angry. In comes hubby. I tell him all about it. He tried to be more rational than I, that’s for sure.

OK, before anyone yells at me, I know I did not own the name Bella but it was a very special name to Daniel & I that we picked out. Don’t tell me you would not be upset if your friend or sister did the same thing. It’s worse when your sister does it because I can not use Bella.

If a friend had done that I would not care so much, I’d be a little pissed but hey, they are not family and I see it differently.

I felt like she took something away from me. Crazy much? Yeah, sometimes I am. Did I really have a right to be angry, yeah I think so. I am no longer angry about it but still a little hurt. I never spoke to my sister about it and I don’t think I ever will. She would not get it.

People not getting it seems to be a common theme.

Posted in Infertility, Family | 3 Comments »

March 18. 2009 by admin.

A Lot To Ask Of Me

I was thankful to a certain degree that at this point, 5 years in we were living states away from my family. I know this might sound terrible but I honestly feel it was a blessing in disguise, I don’t think I could have coped well living next to anyone pregnant, even my sister, and that hurts to say that.

I ignored it really, pretended that she was not pregnant, I kept a safe distance and did not ask questions for which I was not ready to hear. I even feel terrible now, thinking back, that I let my sister down and it was not her fault.

I PUNISHED her for her ability to conceive. Yeah, there is something wrong with that in my mind & heart but then again infertility doesn’t allow for rational thinking most of the time.

Then she called me one afternoon, out of the blue. I was not prepared for what came next. She asked me if Daniel & I would be the baby’s God parents. We said yes. I mean honestly, how could I say no. I am sure someone will let me know they could. But I could not fathom saying no, even with all my pain & grief.

I think I went into a say yes and pay for it later mode. Don’t get me wrong though, I did want to be this baby’s God mother but how does one cope?

Daniel & I flew home for the baptism, the baby had been born about a month before. I did not know how it was going to be, I felt sick, dizzy, wanted to run & hide. I cried when I saw my sister & the baby. I could not handle it at first.

I wondered what she must be thinking of me.

I think for the first few days I refused to hold the baby & never asked to. I did not actively seek out the baby, it was to much. I felt bad as my sister knew nothing so I must have been freakish in her eyes. All that I know is that I hurt her, knowing that still kills me now, years later.

I finally agreed to hold the baby and it hit me so hard and heavy. I could barely talk. Of course my sister wanted to know what was wrong. Through heart breaking, heavy sobs, I told her. She gave me a hug and told me she was sorry. I wish that would have made it all go away, but sadly, it did not.

After that I knew I had to pull my shit together. I did a lot of crying, every day and night, I had a lot of anger, resentment and harsh thoughts.

The baptism went well, I don’t know if some of the smiles were forced or not, to be honest the baptism was crazy, I had agreed to making the cake and that was a world of issues in itself that left me crying in the middle of the night.

The whole trip left me broken, heavy hearted, emotionally tired. The only good thing was that someone had a beautiful child, but unfortunately it wasn’t me.

Posted in Infertility, Family | 3 Comments »