April 24. 2009 by admin.

I have a tiny, minuscule, bit of hope inside of me. We are attending a conference next weekend on IF and they are giving away some IVF cycles. It could be us. Could is the word. Hope is the word.

If nothing else we will get some information. Information is power…right?

I kind of had a blah week outside of my new pup Cecilia, having her makes me very happy & is keeping me busy. However as far as IF goes, I got set off by my mother this week. It was silly I am sure, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

So much so that I wanted to scream, rip through the phone and show some real, raw emotion. I am tired of people saying they understand me, they don’t. I laughed when my mother says she does, how the heck could she, she had 9 of us kids, no problems with her.

Honestly no one in my family that I am biologically related to has had such a problem. There have been a few who had a miscarriage or two and have gone on to have many kids. I would never downplay their miscarriages. They did reach the light at the end of the tunnel though. I have not.

Do you ever feel like you are getting comfortable in your IF ? I do. I think it is because it has been 7 years, you get older, you have your likes & dislikes in life, you settle..get comfortable. I sometimes feel like I am at peace with it, other times I want to rage.

For now I have my 3 pups, they keep me busy & the new one Cecilia is like an infant. Yes, I know she is not. Have I mentioned that we do treat our dogs like our children. I don’t care what you think of me, no I don’t dress them up for fun, sweaters in the winter as they are small dogs.

I feel a bit frustrated, tis the season though…I guess. it is Spring, all new life, lots of fertiles giving birth, so I get a puppy,lol. Speaking of babies, cuz you know the fertiles just don’t talk about them enough, so I do,lol… My sister is due in a couple weeks. Nope, I still have not talked to her oddly enough.

Maybe so much time has passed that talking would be awkward? I don’t know. I try to talk “kids”, I do care about my little family members but you get tired of it. It really gets tiring when the fertiles never ask truley how you are doing.

I don’t care what you do or do not know about me, ask me. ASK ME! No one does though, aside from my mother. I mean give me a freaking break, it has been 7 years. Family has to know something is wrong. Should I expect them to ask me? Or should I be just putting it out there?

I have a puppy ever couple years, not a baby, so people must know. I thought for the longest time that maybe one of my cousins was having trouble having a baby, all I know is she ended up pregnant.

So I wonder, I wonder all the time if people think we are waiting for what the fuck ever reason to have kids. I have never really been a career girl, so I would think people would cross that off the list. Daniel has not been on a deployment in at least 4 years, so him being gone all the time is not a good reason either.

I have to cut this short, Cecilia is awake from her nap & needs to potty & eat.

All I am getting at is I am not an egg, I don’t want people to continue to act like they are walking on egg shells with me. Just ask. This game is old. Years ago they used to ask, many years ago, before we knew anything was wrong. So we answered with “We’re working on it”. I guess we still are huh.

Posted in Rant, Infertility, Fertiles, Family | 2 Comments »

April 20. 2009 by admin.

Welcome Cecilia!

Ok, so it is not possible to have kids right now, so we have been “growing” our family with cute, fluffy things instead.

Today I brought home Cecilia, she is a purebred Schnauzer and sooooo cute.

Not something I would share here on this blog normally as it is not infertility related, well maybe a bit related but anyways, I am in love and this makes #3 dogkid for us.

Posted in Infertility, Family | 3 Comments »

April 19. 2009 by admin.

My sister’s baby is due in May, either on hubby’s birthday or possibly mine. I think of her all the time & miss her terribly, but for some reason I can’t seem to pick up the phone to tell her this.

I know that she knows I love her but I don’t get to say it often enough. I honestly feel like I have been terribly selfish with my IF and my lack of support for her. I mean, I do support her. Does she know this? Most likely not since I can’t even remember the last time we talked on the phone.

Was it almost a year ago? Was it months ago, a quick hello? I can’t tell you, but that gives me a sucky feeling inside. She deserves more than I have ever given her.

Funny how after 7 years I seem to be having more compassion for fertiles, almost like most of my anger has left me. I know I should not question this, I don’t want to be angry and bitter. I have my days, really I do.

Maybe I am becoming numb, dealing with IF for so long. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is still years away and who knows when I get there if IVF will work for us.

I feel like so much time has been wasted, but honestly, there is nothing that could have been done sooner, we would not have had all the money saved up that we needed.

I try to convince myself every day that God has a plan and that things will happen, but all I see is a big, huge 7 stairing me in the face and now the big 30 is also creeping up on me, making me question my very existence.

Am I having a pitty party for myself…no, I think not. I guess hitting the big 30 soon is making me think more and question many things past & present in my life.

And the clock ticks on.

Posted in IVF, Infertility, Family | 4 Comments »

April 17. 2009 by admin.

I have been thinking the last few days..Am I being fair? I mean I go around not liking fertiles much, especially those I have known or still know. I don’t seem to be supportive of them really, maybe on the surface but we bitch about them behind their backs. If we are not really “there” for them how in the world do we expect that they would want to be there for us? Some people do just suck and honestly don’t give a shit about infertiles but I do believe most do, they just don’t know what to say or do, I mean really…what can they say or do that would make me feel better or happy. I can’t think of a dam thing. Maybe I am just a bit cranky today and should end this here. I am not feeling well, I will blame it on that.

Posted in Infertility, Fertiles | 2 Comments »

April 13. 2009 by admin.

Daniel & I are back from vacation, a few days early but thats alright. Not much going on here still with IF. We will still be attending the conference in May.

While we were at Disney, I had mixed feelings. Part of me was glad we did not have kids, the other half of course wished we did. This happens to me all the time.

Eventually.

Posted in Infertility | 2 Comments »

April 2. 2009 by admin.

Hello Ladies,

Not much to report over these last few days, not that has to do with IF anyways. I cracked a tooth Monday but now it looks like everything will work out for me in the end. I don’t have money for IVF nor do I have any just sitting around for dental. But thank God I have dental insurance as it does help. Now only if I could get our military insurance to decided to help with IVF! Yeah, I am so not holding my breath on that. We are getting out anyways. Life needs to move on. Monday hubby & I will be off on vacation and I will be able to rid my mine, even if temporarily of teeth problems and IF.

Posted in Infertility | 2 Comments »