March 31. 2009 by admin.

Yesterday or the day before I was reading a non IF blog that I usually follow in my reader, then I came upon THIS post and thanked the Lord God that I don’t know her from a hole in the wall! And I would be very ashamed to know her in real life. What do you say to someone like her and the commenter’s! Some pretty CRUEL people. I will not be following her blog anymore as I have decided she is nasty and toxic. I can understand saying smoking while TTC is not the best idea but having a few drinks every now & then! Hubby & I most definitely have over the years, sometimes you need to relax and have fun together as a couple even though you are TTC. Anyways, she turned my stomach and I could not think of anything I could say to her that would be in the least bit respectful, so I I bitched about it to hubby and here I am blogging about it! I guess I should get some balls every once in a while and speak my mind on others blogs!

*Edited To ADD*

The post she wrote was not about me in case anyone wanted to know, it was about someone she used to know, just wanted to clarify that!

Posted in Infertility, Fertiles | 4 Comments »

March 28. 2009 by admin.

Dear little girl, yes..I will call you a little girl…WTF is wrong with you!?!

I had just finished a wonderful day with my hubby and dogs, going to Wal*Mart cause I was hungry, not to see or hear what you said to your small child!

I don’t want to repeate what she said. Inside I cried, on the outside I glared at her and that poor child. Did she have a bad day? Yeah, sure seemed like it but I am sure it was not her child’s fault but she sure tried to make him feel like life would be happy without him.

SHAME on YOU!

Posted in Rant, Fertiles | 2 Comments »

March 26. 2009 by admin.

There are still 2 family members pregnant. My sister & then a cousin. One cousin just had her baby several days ago. By the way she was the one with my aunt who left the message on the machine. Yeah, well I decided to just send that aunt a quick e-mail stating that they baby is cute and congrats.

I left that at that and I am sure I won’t hear from that aunt for months, this is the game she plays.

This other cousin who is having her baby in August found out today it is a baby girl. yay. I am happy for her but what upsets me is how much they all take their pregnancies for granted. I would be so freaking happy if the only freaking thing I had to worry about is what to name it!

Every day her Facebook status is flashing with something either “woe is me”, or something about this baby in my belly. But don’t all the fertiles complain about every little thing? Like I said, I think they take it for granted, but I guess that is a right & luxury they have been given.

Not me!

Posted in Infertility, Family | 3 Comments »

March 24. 2009 by admin.

I hate when you want to act on something, you sometimes are just not able to. Since we found out we can have a baby through IVF, we have not been able to do much and that can get frustrating at times.

I try to be at peace with where we are at this point, but it is hard to be at peace when you know something could be done if only you had the money. I try to live in the moment, sometimes it’s hard.

Hubby is soon going away for a 6 month deployment over sea’s so I KNOW that at this point nothing could be done, even if we had the money, so I really should just let it go for the time being.

I go through spurts, I have actually gone several months not really even thinking about IF or IVF because I knew nothing could be done at that time. The other end of those spurts is where it is on my mind 24/7. You wouldn’t know though because I keep it inside.

I keep it inside because I know right now, nothing can be done.

Posted in Money, IVF, Infertility | 1 Comment »

March 23. 2009 by admin.

Several months back I found out one of my cousins was going to have a baby. No one but my mother ever calls to let me know this stuff. No, I don’t get upset with my mother for letting me know, unless I am in a bitter mood.

This cousin, I have not talked to in forever, well it’s been years. I last saw her at my sisters wedding and that was when I got to meet her hubby. Then nothing, for years. This is how it is with several of my cousins and I don’t get it really.

Maybe we all grew up to close and now they want nothing to do with me. No, this has nothing to do with IF, this has been going on since way before we knew anything about our IF. I guess people just grow apart. Sorry, I am rambling, there might be a bit of that in this post.

Have I wanted to be close with them, YES. Have I reached out to them, YES.  I don’t know what went wrong and where. I am almost positive it is just who they are, you know, like small clicks.

Anyways like 2 years ago I e-mail this particular cousin, I did not have her e-mail address but it was given to me by another cousin. I wrote her a nice long e-mail, wanting to know what had been going on in her life.

The e-mail I got back was short and cold. I left her alone. Fast forward to November or December 2008, my mother tells me this cousin is pregnant. I am a nice person and I love all of my family regardless of how they treat me, so I decided I wanted to make this cousin a card.

In December along with a Christmas card came a separate card from my aunt, the to-be grandmother. It was a baby registry and a Baby Shower invitation. I honestly was not going to send a gift. I fought back & forth with myself over this. Going from the feeling that this cousin could care less about me to well I am better than that.

I finally decided that I was going to send a gift because umm hello I was not going to fly home special for her baby shower in January. I did not have her current home address because I wanted to send everything directly to her, not her mother.

So I wrote to my aunt of course, since I no longer had cousins e-mail. Then I get an e-mail from this cousin saying that aunt said I wanted her home address. It was yet another short and not very warm mail. She wrote at the end if it to “keep in touch”.

Silly me thought she meant that and I e-mailed her a nice e-mail again talking about this and that. I kept in touch, I have not heard back from her. This was a while ago. I made her a handmade card and sent out the gift anyways. Have not heard anything, not even a hello.

Of course I have not tried to contact her since then because I feel like I keep reaching out into a black hole. When is enough, just that..enough!

No one actually told me the baby was born, not a big deal really. Just a hey, the baby is born and healthy is fine with me. I love everyone, even the ones who can have babies. I have moods where I hate all of them also.

I found out the baby was born by reading another family members Facebook. OK, so I know now. I told my mother and she got mad because no one had told her, left out as always. Next thing I know I am getting a phone call from my Grandmother whom I love with all my heart.

I listened for a half hour as she talked about this baby, yeah that day I gritted my teeth and bit my toung. I don’t want stories and baby oogling. My grandmother knows nothing of our IF yet either, so I can only blame myself if I get upset right!

Then Daniel & I go out this weekend, come home to a phone call from the aunt, the new grandmother. She tells me to call her because she wants to tell me all about the new baby. I open my e-mail and what is before my eyes, tons of pictures of new baby and some of cousin with baby.

I had a few ugly thoughts for a few minutes.

OK, so if you are still reading I do have a point to this post,lol. Now my question is…Why on earth does new grandmother think I would want to call her? I never hear from these people and when I do, I contact them back and then I don’t hear from them for however long.

Does she love me? I am sure. I love her but my love for some people in my family is very guarded, it just has to be. I feel like they are so damn fake sometimes.

Am I supposed to call her back and congratulate her…the new grandmother? Umm, I think not. She did not have the child. Will I call cousin? Ummm no, I am tired of getting hurt by certain people. Will I send her a lovely handmade card, of course I will because I love this cousin, I just wish she felt the same.

So I am trying to figure out what I should do or not do with new grandmother! Shall I just call and grit my teeth and pretend I want to hear all about it? Or shall I just live my life and let this go and move on?

Shall I say something to new grandmother, at all. Like send an e-mail with some smiles. I am happy for them, all of them but shit, she is the grandmother not the momma! Plus I feel some of these people only say stuff to me when it is convenient.

My mother says that when I get pregnant I will want everyone to be happy & excited for me! You know what, the only ones I will want happy & excited for me, are the ones who have been there for me, have loved me and have wanted me in their lives. The rest can FUCK OFF!

Posted in Infertility, Family | 1 Comment »

March 22. 2009 by admin.

Maybe Baby.

Several weeks ago hubby decided to do some research on his own about grants and such for IVF, when he came upon a local RE that will be holding a Conference on May 2nd.

He signed us up immedietly for it. We have never been to any kind of anything really that deals with IVF or IF. So I honestly am excited to see what we may learn from this experience.

Another happy thing is that 3 couples that attend the conference will be awarded with free IVF cycles. Yeah, I would not miss this for the world. It is a long shot.

It could also be our chance!

Of course I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up because who knows how many IF couples there are where we live. I am sure the number is much higher than I’d like to think it is. It sucks.

So there is another small bit of good news, no gaurentees that we will get awarded with an IVF cycle but I guess for now, all I can do is still hope!

Posted in IVF, Infertility | 1 Comment »

March 21. 2009 by admin.

This Is How It Is For Now.

I know people want to know where we are exactly right now with our IF, I am working my way there in my story. I wanted to start from the beginning so that I could look back. It has actually been very therapeutic for me to blog and write a post a day. Please stick with me

From year 6 into 7. We got our orders and it was time to move yet again. This time we decided to come to Florida, we really didn’t have many other places to go state side. Florida is closer to my family whom all live in Maine.

So in this past year we got another phone call from my sister stating that she is pregnant, the baby is due around mine & Daniel’s birthdays in May. I took this pregnancy OK, I love my nephew and niece very much, no matter how sad and hurt I might be due to IF.

We are at a stand still I guess you could say with our IF. We need money so that we can do IVF, we don’t have that kind of money on hand right now. So money stands between us and the possibility of our baby. This is where we stand NOW.

I really wish that our insurance would help somehow, but sadly no. If it is deemed medically necessary though, they will “pay” for you to have an abortion! Yes, I think there is something seriously wrong with that.

It is nessisary for us to have “help” to concieve, but no one is around to help us. So I wonder as I read over some other IF blogs how everyone is being able to afford IVF. Am I missing out on something that I should know about? Are there loans being taken out? How does one afford IVF!?!

Any advice would be great, but I know money is a private matter also, so if you don’t want to publicly discuss with me how you have gone about to afford IVF, then please…please e-mail me.Any little bits of information would be great!

Are there any grants anyone knows about? I know I might be sounding a little desperate, but guess what…I am,lol!

Posted in Money, IVF, Infertility | 4 Comments »

March 20. 2009 by admin.

From Now On, I’ll Keep Them To Myself.

Who knows what year we are in now,lol. Like I said we have been going through this for a long time now and some years just melt into the next and so I think this story was in year 6.

Life was moving on and we had now known that we can have a baby through IVF, so now it all comes down to figuring out how to pay for it.

I was feeling better, some hope restored, a new lease on life.

The phone rings and it is my sister. My first thought is that she has to be pregnant because that is the only time she had called me before aside from asking us to be God parents.

She says “We are pregnant”! I was not so sad sounding in congratulating them this time, although I will be honest, it still stung and it did still hurt, nothing will change that.

Before I never asked her a thing, nothing really. This time I thought I could handle asking a few things. I want to say right here that many years before, well before my sister was married we told some people the names we had picked out for our kids.

Looking back, I would never do this again. So some little advice from me is if you really want those names, don’t tell anyone whom might become pregnant before you!

So do you know where I am going with this? I decided to ask her, do you have any names picked out. I sure as hell knew I would not get a chance to use her names first, so I thought it was OK to ask.

She said yes. I do not remember what they had picked if it was a boy, but if it was a girl they would be naming her Ella. WHAT?!? Time to get off phone so I don’t say something in her ear.

Let me let you in, the name we had picked for our first daughter was Bella. Yeah, Ella is VERY close to Bella and I did become very angry. In comes hubby. I tell him all about it. He tried to be more rational than I, that’s for sure.

OK, before anyone yells at me, I know I did not own the name Bella but it was a very special name to Daniel & I that we picked out. Don’t tell me you would not be upset if your friend or sister did the same thing. It’s worse when your sister does it because I can not use Bella.

If a friend had done that I would not care so much, I’d be a little pissed but hey, they are not family and I see it differently.

I felt like she took something away from me. Crazy much? Yeah, sometimes I am. Did I really have a right to be angry, yeah I think so. I am no longer angry about it but still a little hurt. I never spoke to my sister about it and I don’t think I ever will. She would not get it.

People not getting it seems to be a common theme.

Posted in Infertility, Family | 3 Comments »

March 19. 2009 by admin.

The Ray Of Sun After The Rain.

Now we are heading into year 6. It was time for the annual PAP, I always hate doing this as it always seems to be a pain in the ass for whoever is performing it. I went to my “regular” doctor who then told me it was not her job and that I had to go back to the OBGYN with cold assistant.

Yeah, I all of sudden thought about skipping it for the time being as we were getting ready to move again and I could start fresh. But it was agreed that I should not put it off. So I reluctantly went to said OBGYN.

I was so unhappy just walking into her office, some of the raw emotion came back and I wanted to bite some one’s head off. So when OBGYN came waltzing into the room I wanted to hide. She was all bubbly, of course she seemed to have forgotten about my situation.

She started with the exam and then went into baby talk. I was angry and she could sense it. She asked me how are baby making was coming along. I was floored that she had the audacity to ask me such a thing, so at that point I was certain she had no clue who I was.

I asked her what she meant by that. She seemed clueless and I hated the fact that I thought I had to joggle her brain and go into detail. She then asked me why I never came back. Hmmmm? WHY? So I told her what had gone on with her assistant and all that I was offered was that we could not get pregnant.

She kind of laughed and made me feel about . <–small. She said her assistant would not have left me hanging like that. I started to cry because as if infertility was not the biggest horror in my life that now I was also being called a liar.

She calls assistant in and in front of me she asked her assistant what had happened. She denied that she did not leave me with further instructions. I was about to walk out and she told the assistant to leave. I told her I had no need to lie, WTF did I have to loose?!?

So she breaks the news “You can’t get pregnant naturally but you can by IVF, IVF is the only way you will be able to have a baby”. I balled like a little girl, I could not contain it, she hugged me and apologized for whatever didn’t happen that should have.

She was pissed we had wasted more time, like 2 years really. I had never been given the packet that said we needed to seek IVF help. Although there was no excuse on her part for why she did not do a follow up.

This was such great news but I was so sad at the same time. So much time had passed, so much pain & anger suffered needlessly. Not that knowing all of a sudden solved everything. We know it is risky.

I cried all the way out of her office, all the way to the car, my husband had no clue what was going on. I told him what she said. Hope was renewed. The only problem now is MONEY. We are heading out to Florida and we knew the cost for IVF is great and not something we could do right away.

Posted in IVF, Infertility | 1 Comment »

March 18. 2009 by admin.

A Lot To Ask Of Me

I was thankful to a certain degree that at this point, 5 years in we were living states away from my family. I know this might sound terrible but I honestly feel it was a blessing in disguise, I don’t think I could have coped well living next to anyone pregnant, even my sister, and that hurts to say that.

I ignored it really, pretended that she was not pregnant, I kept a safe distance and did not ask questions for which I was not ready to hear. I even feel terrible now, thinking back, that I let my sister down and it was not her fault.

I PUNISHED her for her ability to conceive. Yeah, there is something wrong with that in my mind & heart but then again infertility doesn’t allow for rational thinking most of the time.

Then she called me one afternoon, out of the blue. I was not prepared for what came next. She asked me if Daniel & I would be the baby’s God parents. We said yes. I mean honestly, how could I say no. I am sure someone will let me know they could. But I could not fathom saying no, even with all my pain & grief.

I think I went into a say yes and pay for it later mode. Don’t get me wrong though, I did want to be this baby’s God mother but how does one cope?

Daniel & I flew home for the baptism, the baby had been born about a month before. I did not know how it was going to be, I felt sick, dizzy, wanted to run & hide. I cried when I saw my sister & the baby. I could not handle it at first.

I wondered what she must be thinking of me.

I think for the first few days I refused to hold the baby & never asked to. I did not actively seek out the baby, it was to much. I felt bad as my sister knew nothing so I must have been freakish in her eyes. All that I know is that I hurt her, knowing that still kills me now, years later.

I finally agreed to hold the baby and it hit me so hard and heavy. I could barely talk. Of course my sister wanted to know what was wrong. Through heart breaking, heavy sobs, I told her. She gave me a hug and told me she was sorry. I wish that would have made it all go away, but sadly, it did not.

After that I knew I had to pull my shit together. I did a lot of crying, every day and night, I had a lot of anger, resentment and harsh thoughts.

The baptism went well, I don’t know if some of the smiles were forced or not, to be honest the baptism was crazy, I had agreed to making the cake and that was a world of issues in itself that left me crying in the middle of the night.

The whole trip left me broken, heavy hearted, emotionally tired. The only good thing was that someone had a beautiful child, but unfortunately it wasn’t me.

Posted in Infertility, Family | 3 Comments »